Who I Am

I wil be 50 this March... That in it's self is a miracle considering the obstacles and hurdles that I have gotten through. I am proud to say that I will be 50 , it's a great number I'm not green I've seen things and experienced plenty.
However, shy of 50 marks a monumental hurdle and Thanks to my parents a major discovery for me...
I have recently found information about my heritage, and found family members I never knew existed and so many! All through a now popular company 23 and Me .. I have a brother that I never knew about!  We are exploring and learning and investigating information to find out who our Biological Father is :)
This is huge for anyone, I feel it is huge for me and I am so excited and grateful to have  the tools and opportunity to learn more about who I am .
Also as I approach 50 to be grateful what I have yet to do , see , experience, learn, dance more ,go do things that I haven’t done. 

I will continue to live my life and even at 50 grow and learn and live who I am.

Getting back to Normalcy

 15 months of recovering from an abusive man and relationship is just the minute tip of the virtual iceberg. I don’t know where to begin, I still jump at weird noises Still look out of my window  and shoulder to make sure no one is watching my house . Stalking , invading . 

I feel it will be a very long process to getting back to normalcy since it took years if abuse to knock me and my children down. It’s not as easy as now he’s gone move on… Doesn’t work like that it is so much more difficult to quiet my brain of fears and static of always being on guard and not being able to enjoy the skin I am in. To help my kids heal to live life and smile and laugh .

I don’t trust anymore, so how does one go about regaining the faith in people after all of the hurtful damaging words and actions they have carried out? To then invest in myself and even get to a point to trust another man? 

I cringe at the thought and feel it will be a very long time to get to a place where I can trust another with all that I have to offer… My children have learned a sad but valuable lesson and with patience love and support and faith I hope that they too will not be scarred from this..

It is the hardest at night when all is quiet and the noise begins…  Getting back to Normalcy.

I Did It

 The hardest thing to do is to get away from an abuser, to stop being abused you have to get your thoughts together , Muster up the strength and courage..Get your paperwork in order important papers go elsewhere with someone you trust . (If you have to leave that is ... If you don’t, you put them in your own safe away from access- File a PFA and keep the papers with you at all times . Try (if you have kids) to get someone in your family that you trust to watch your children so they don’t have to see it . If and when your PFA gets approved and if it’s a PFA that includes an eviction the abuser will be accusatory and angry ! Police will be present  and you’ll be safe .

Know what you need to do and what your rights are! Be smart , pay attention .Most of the time women (or men ) stay because they don’t have the money to leave , they don’t have a car, no other place to stay and don’t want to go to a shelter.

I get it I have been there for years I was there and I am now free of abuse in my home and it is liberating .More calm less stress there’s a quietness about it and that’s when I’m not going to lie... That silence can be deafening, it’s when you can finally cry and start the process of healing slowly of lowering your shoulders from the stress you’re learning to be less jumpy and on edge and that survival mode you’ve been in for so long ? Starts to ease a bit. 

It’s scary to deal with experiences you went through over whatever period of time you went through it. But when you can do it , muster up that courage and do it It’s so worth it . YOU are worth it you and your kids need this . For sanity and peace DO IT .

It’s so hard , But I Did IT

Crazy How You've Grown

It is crazy how you've grown, Just don't forget that no matter how big you get or how old you are You will always be my baby. Geographical distance matters not I am with you, Age difference  and watching you live helps me stay young in my heart, the endless love and admiration , respect for who you are and have become  makes me so proud and I know that you will change this crazy world for the better.
You are a beautiful soul , I now know that little voice that has me doubt myself occasionally. and wonder if I did ok as a parent has me confident that I did just fine. I know that I have poured my heart and soul into each of you and that you know I am here and present to stand with you  without question.
I am the one constant cheerleader, to never get tired  of my purpose for you..
It's crazy how you've grown, just don't forget that no matter how big you get and how old you are you'll always be my baby.

Self Value

When did it become so important to today’s generation to shake your ass for followers? Or to take selfie after selfie of yourself for recognition? Why is acceptance based on such shallowness? Why aren’t our children and grand children more focused on real substance and being genuine and true to yourself and not worried about what everyone else thinks based on face value other than making a career or life for yourself not making silly shallow videos?
Kind gestures to help someone yes, I get that winning a major gift? Yup ..

Not videos on people being beat up, police brutality, vandalism, people being wasted , or drunk  and no one helping that person . Life is precious and we are more valuable than this can we get back to what matters and show we are more than all of the shallow nonsense? Be a positive example for our children or kids in the neighborhoods we’re from ? People are complaining about how they don’t understand what’s wrong with kids of today but I feel like we’ve all lost sight of what’s truly good and getting caught up in this trash we’ve succumb to...

New Mission

So my new mission is to find out as much as I can about Smoldering Multiple Myeloma... 
That is my diagnosis,although young for the disease I have a higher percentage of getting MM than others. I am actively reading to find other people's stories, I am reading what I can find to gain more knowledge because I firmly believe that knowledge is power.

I communicate with my Doctor regularly, I ask questions and I want to know more. I will be a part of a support group, and hope that I have found the right fit for a trial in New York I have looked into. I am excited to meet with people like me, share stories and emotions and discoveries and share resources. I have children and family and extended family who have all been so amazing and supportive and concerned I could not ask for anything more. I am truly grateful .

To the future, and My New Mission And better health !

I’m Still Tired Dr.”

I want to say I feel I have had a busy journey over the past few years.That being said I will clarify. I went to my Primary Dr. Complaining of getting sick too often. Sinus infections, Flu, Being tired and a lump in my throat that wouldn’t go away.
She felt my throat, asked me if when I swallowed did it feel like something was stuck in my throat. I said Yes! She ordered some tests 1) Ultra sound ... Abnormal Ultrasound and suspicious nodules. Ok Breathe. 2) Biopsies They came back cancerous so 3) Removal.

When someone says Cancer ? It’s scary as hell I don’t care how brave and strong you are ?It’s just scary.  Before you have surgery friends and family say things to console you . Like Well if there’s any kind of cancer to get this is the one! It’s cureable! Um? It’s Cancer , I am scared to death.
Surgery day nice and early my mother flew up from South Carolina :)  I have prepared myself emotionally as well as I could, and get to the hospital and We are waiting and waiting only to find out the Dr has an emergency Transplant he had to do. Ok, next day surgery.. Early am, before I go in I kiss my Mother She gave me the most sense of ease in the Crappiest time .

Out of surgery, My Thyroid was Mush it just fell apart. Send it off to the lab and it comes back Two different types of Cancer Simple Cell  Typical , and Tall Cell (aggressive) . Whew Thank G-d it’s out.. Radiation, body Scans  hair loss , sleeplessness, weight gain, depression, Dry mouth , Metal taste , Special Diets , Medication for life, Tiredness, Insomnia, Thrown Into Menopause, Carpal Tunnel.
But out of all of the Cancers? This is the one to get!

I forgot to mention that prior to my cancer diagnosis I was in a bad car accident with my Boyfriend and Young Daughter (3). They were(ok), Some Residual Effects from the accident Back issues and pain.  And I was cut out of the car with 4 fractures of my ribs , punctured Left lung , collapsed dashboard on my legs , a hole in my leg and we were hit by a police officer in a SUV . Speeding, No lights, No Siren T-Boned my family.
I was carried away in an ambulance and they tried to get me for leaving the scene of an accident and put a warrant out for me , I had to turn myself in.
My bones were still fractured and still in pain and then had my Thyroid removed.. 2014 ? Not a good year ! See Ya! Wouldn’t wanna be ya I’m out Man don’t look back.. A year plus of monthly court hearings to fight this officer who of course says he was innocent and never even bothered to show ONCE . I finally got the charges Expunged. Thanks to a great court appointed Lawyer.
Years of Spinal damage, Nerve Damage, Migraines, Spinal Injections, Impending Shoulder Surgery , No medicine (My choice) Horrible pain in rain , cold , snow. Sitting , Laying, Standing, This is no Quality of life.
I file for Disability, Turned down, Applied again 2 years later I receive what I’m waiting for.

This brings us to now—- Still tired I go to my Dr . Chronic Sinus infections, Spinal pain , Aching Joints, Constipation,Weight Loss(Un-Intentional) Even though I’ve struggled with a double whammy against my efforts of losing weight.. Hypothyroidism and over 40 , Now Menopausal. This has GOT To Be A Joke right?? Not getting better , abnormal Labs ..
Referred to an Oncologist.. Huge Gulp, Ok? 11 viles of Blood , Bone Marrow Test, MRI WContrast and Full Skeletal XRay.
Legion on my Spine, Cysts in my Kidney,Small Fatty Mass in my Neck, Comcerns of IGa Proteins high Light Chains out of whack. What will be? I have no Idea .... What I do know? Is what ever this is? I’m going to kick it’s ASS and take names so whatch OUT CANCER !!! I’m coming for ya! I have children and family and friends I need to live on for . I’m not done yet I have lots to do :)