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Who could ask for more ? Grateful for another day hoping for more days ,weeks ,months ,and years as my work is not done here.

For all of those who have left ,I shed tears and keep the memories as none of us know how long we’ll be here. 

Smelling flowers, watching a sunset , enjoying someone’s company in silence , enjoying food with ones you love ,and a simple walk or outing is honestly all I could’ve asked for. 

Doing what I can ,and being kind  I can stay in the right frame of mind to be the  best version of me.

Thanks for making memories with me  I couldn’t ask for more..

Who I Am

I wil be 50 this March... That in it's self is a miracle considering the obstacles and hurdles that I have gotten through. I am proud to say that I will be 50 , it's a great number I'm not green I've seen things and experienced plenty.
However, shy of 50 marks a monumental hurdle and Thanks to my parents a major discovery for me...
I have recently found information about my heritage, and found family members I never knew existed and so many! All through a now popular company 23 and Me .. I have a brother that I never knew about!  We are exploring and learning and investigating information to find out who our Biological Father is :)
This is huge for anyone, I feel it is huge for me and I am so excited and grateful to have  the tools and opportunity to learn more about who I am .
Also as I approach 50 to be grateful what I have yet to do , see , experience, learn, dance more ,go do things that I haven’t done. 

I will continue to live my life and even at 50 grow and learn and live who I am.

Getting back to Normalcy

 15 months of recovering from an abusive man and relationship is just the minute tip of the virtual iceberg. I don’t know where to begin, I still jump at weird noises Still look out of my window  and shoulder to make sure no one is watching my house . Stalking , invading . 

I feel it will be a very long process to getting back to normalcy since it took years if abuse to knock me and my children down. It’s not as easy as now he’s gone move on… Doesn’t work like that it is so much more difficult to quiet my brain of fears and static of always being on guard and not being able to enjoy the skin I am in. To help my kids heal to live life and smile and laugh .

I don’t trust anymore, so how does one go about regaining the faith in people after all of the hurtful damaging words and actions they have carried out? To then invest in myself and even get to a point to trust another man? 

I cringe at the thought and feel it will be a very long time to get to a place where I can trust another with all that I have to offer… My children have learned a sad but valuable lesson and with patience love and support and faith I hope that they too will not be scarred from this..

It is the hardest at night when all is quiet and the noise begins…  Getting back to Normalcy.

I Did It

 The hardest thing to do is to get away from an abuser, to stop being abused you have to get your thoughts together , Muster up the strength and courage..Get your paperwork in order important papers go elsewhere with someone you trust . (If you have to leave that is ... If you don’t, you put them in your own safe away from access- File a PFA and keep the papers with you at all times . Try (if you have kids) to get someone in your family that you trust to watch your children so they don’t have to see it . If and when your PFA gets approved and if it’s a PFA that includes an eviction the abuser will be accusatory and angry ! Police will be present  and you’ll be safe .

Know what you need to do and what your rights are! Be smart , pay attention .Most of the time women (or men ) stay because they don’t have the money to leave , they don’t have a car, no other place to stay and don’t want to go to a shelter.

I get it I have been there for years I was there and I am now free of abuse in my home and it is liberating .More calm less stress there’s a quietness about it and that’s when I’m not going to lie... That silence can be deafening, it’s when you can finally cry and start the process of healing slowly of lowering your shoulders from the stress you’re learning to be less jumpy and on edge and that survival mode you’ve been in for so long ? Starts to ease a bit. 

It’s scary to deal with experiences you went through over whatever period of time you went through it. But when you can do it , muster up that courage and do it It’s so worth it . YOU are worth it you and your kids need this . For sanity and peace DO IT .

It’s so hard , But I Did IT

Crazy How You've Grown

It is crazy how you've grown, Just don't forget that no matter how big you get or how old you are You will always be my baby. Geographical distance matters not I am with you, Age difference  and watching you live helps me stay young in my heart, the endless love and admiration , respect for who you are and have become  makes me so proud and I know that you will change this crazy world for the better.
You are a beautiful soul , I now know that little voice that has me doubt myself occasionally. and wonder if I did ok as a parent has me confident that I did just fine. I know that I have poured my heart and soul into each of you and that you know I am here and present to stand with you  without question.
I am the one constant cheerleader, to never get tired  of my purpose for you..
It's crazy how you've grown, just don't forget that no matter how big you get and how old you are you'll always be my baby.

Self Value

When did it become so important to today’s generation to shake your ass for followers? Or to take selfie after selfie of yourself for recognition? Why is acceptance based on such shallowness? Why aren’t our children and grand children more focused on real substance and being genuine and true to yourself and not worried about what everyone else thinks based on face value other than making a career or life for yourself not making silly shallow videos?
Kind gestures to help someone yes, I get that winning a major gift? Yup ..

Not videos on people being beat up, police brutality, vandalism, people being wasted , or drunk  and no one helping that person . Life is precious and we are more valuable than this can we get back to what matters and show we are more than all of the shallow nonsense? Be a positive example for our children or kids in the neighborhoods we’re from ? People are complaining about how they don’t understand what’s wrong with kids of today but I feel like we’ve all lost sight of what’s truly good and getting caught up in this trash we’ve succumb to...

New Mission

So my new mission is to find out as much as I can about Smoldering Multiple Myeloma... 
That is my diagnosis,although young for the disease I have a higher percentage of getting MM than others. I am actively reading to find other people's stories, I am reading what I can find to gain more knowledge because I firmly believe that knowledge is power.

I communicate with my Doctor regularly, I ask questions and I want to know more. I will be a part of a support group, and hope that I have found the right fit for a trial in New York I have looked into. I am excited to meet with people like me, share stories and emotions and discoveries and share resources. I have children and family and extended family who have all been so amazing and supportive and concerned I could not ask for anything more. I am truly grateful .

To the future, and My New Mission And better health !