I’m Still Tired Dr.”

I want to say I feel I have had a busy journey over the past few years.That being said I will clarify. I went to my Primary Dr. Complaining of getting sick too often. Sinus infections, Flu, Being tired and a lump in my throat that wouldn’t go away.
She felt my throat, asked me if when I swallowed did it feel like something was stuck in my throat. I said Yes! She ordered some tests 1) Ultra sound ... Abnormal Ultrasound and suspicious nodules. Ok Breathe. 2) Biopsies They came back cancerous so 3) Removal.

When someone says Cancer ? It’s scary as hell I don’t care how brave and strong you are ?It’s just scary.  Before you have surgery friends and family say things to console you . Like Well if there’s any kind of cancer to get this is the one! It’s cureable! Um? It’s Cancer , I am scared to death.
Surgery day nice and early my mother flew up from South Carolina :)  I have prepared myself emotionally as well as I could, and get to the hospital and We are waiting and waiting only to find out the Dr has an emergency Transplant he had to do. Ok, next day surgery.. Early am, before I go in I kiss my Mother She gave me the most sense of ease in the Crappiest time .

Out of surgery, My Thyroid was Mush it just fell apart. Send it off to the lab and it comes back Two different types of Cancer Simple Cell  Typical , and Tall Cell (aggressive) . Whew Thank G-d it’s out.. Radiation, body Scans  hair loss , sleeplessness, weight gain, depression, Dry mouth , Metal taste , Special Diets , Medication for life, Tiredness, Insomnia, Thrown Into Menopause, Carpal Tunnel.
But out of all of the Cancers? This is the one to get!

I forgot to mention that prior to my cancer diagnosis I was in a bad car accident with my Boyfriend and Young Daughter (3). They were(ok), Some Residual Effects from the accident Back issues and pain.  And I was cut out of the car with 4 fractures of my ribs , punctured Left lung , collapsed dashboard on my legs , a hole in my leg and we were hit by a police officer in a SUV . Speeding, No lights, No Siren T-Boned my family.
I was carried away in an ambulance and they tried to get me for leaving the scene of an accident and put a warrant out for me , I had to turn myself in.
My bones were still fractured and still in pain and then had my Thyroid removed.. 2014 ? Not a good year ! See Ya! Wouldn’t wanna be ya I’m out Man don’t look back.. A year plus of monthly court hearings to fight this officer who of course says he was innocent and never even bothered to show ONCE . I finally got the charges Expunged. Thanks to a great court appointed Lawyer.
Years of Spinal damage, Nerve Damage, Migraines, Spinal Injections, Impending Shoulder Surgery , No medicine (My choice) Horrible pain in rain , cold , snow. Sitting , Laying, Standing, This is no Quality of life.
I file for Disability, Turned down, Applied again 2 years later I receive what I’m waiting for.

This brings us to now—- Still tired I go to my Dr . Chronic Sinus infections, Spinal pain , Aching Joints, Constipation,Weight Loss(Un-Intentional) Even though I’ve struggled with a double whammy against my efforts of losing weight.. Hypothyroidism and over 40 , Now Menopausal. This has GOT To Be A Joke right?? Not getting better , abnormal Labs ..
Referred to an Oncologist.. Huge Gulp, Ok? 11 viles of Blood , Bone Marrow Test, MRI WContrast and Full Skeletal XRay.
Legion on my Spine, Cysts in my Kidney,Small Fatty Mass in my Neck, Comcerns of IGa Proteins high Light Chains out of whack. What will be? I have no Idea .... What I do know? Is what ever this is? I’m going to kick it’s ASS and take names so whatch OUT CANCER !!! I’m coming for ya! I have children and family and friends I need to live on for . I’m not done yet I have lots to do :)

What Is A "Good Woman / Partner'

Is the definition a woman that is subservient ? A woman with no voice? Obeys, follows behind her man instead of holding her mans hand walking side by side? Listening to her man, helping him ? Supporting him emotionally , financially? Does she have values? Is she kind? Does she enjoy life? People, Children, Does she make sacrafices for you?
Every one has their own opinion on what a good person, and woman or man is...

Anyone can do laundry, and cook for you .. That does not define a good partner.

To me if you can count on that person to not do you wrong, or dirty ...  Trust them nomatter what, to hold your hand while walking through the path of life, love, happiness , sadness, losses, and gains. Support during Sickness and being unsure about yourself and life and all of it's many decisions? That is a person worth fighting for , and hold on to them because they are rare..

You might think that we pick our significant other , I think whoever that may be is a gift that was meant to be if it is healthy and lasts.. I think cherishing yourself enough to believe that you are worthy of goodness and kindness and love is important .

My mother taught me that amongst many other things, if you have not found yourself a good partner, think about why you keep chosing the same kind of person.. That you need to believe that you are worth more and better than what you keep settling for..

But that is anything in life, not just a partner.

What IS a Good Woman/ Partner

Happy Mother's Day

So to my Friends and Family wherever your travels take you this weekend,enjoy your Mother's Day celebrate you for 

being you-For being the undeniable constant rock and your kids biggest fan..Go You! You are needed ,Loved, 

Appreciated, 

and special you are Mom.


Happy Mother's Day❤❤❤💕💓❤❤

I'm not perfect

I need you to help teach me if I make mistakes.... Because I'm not perfect. I wear my hair up in a bun, I carry extra weight, I bare scars from children and surgeries... I laugh loud, I am patient to a fault, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I care too much.
All of these things are what make me ME. These are things that you loved about me when we met, And now not so much. Why?
Why do you have less patience with me? Why are you irritated by me? Why don't we laugh together like we used to?
I laugh loudly because it comes from deep inside and I mean it... Like the love I share, It comes from deep in my soul and you've betrayed it... By it' I mean my love and trust.
Once you do this to me I am done-- Broken, But I am strong, and I will pick myself back up , Dust my self off and pray for the strength and keep going. Because you can't keep me down. I am stronger than this and I will be ok. I am not perfect...

Patience Has it's Rewards

Some have it more than others, It is something that we learn from the time we are born. And it is learned in so many situations through life we get better at it hopefully through time and life's lessons. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason, and that we are given lessons to grow from.
I, even now as an adult have had my patience tested and some of us are more tolerant than others.
I feel that it is up to us to react, or to step back from a situation that we are in to see the meaning of what is to be... And not everyone can see this test at the time but if we can excercise this more often than not? The outcome can be better.
In a situation that we are powerless in, sometimes that is ALL we can do ... Is to be patient and in my life , and a lesson I have just learned it was beneficial for me and turned out better than I ever could have dreamed.
At times we want to give up, quit and walk away and we don't is when we are pleasantly surprised. I have been pleasantly surprised and I couldn't be happier. I am willing to continue learning and am not afraid to say at almost 50, that I am still a student of life and will continue to welcome a learning experience..

I Will Wait....

As long as it takes, I will wait. I will wait for the need for you to contact me, the emotional need intellectual  , or any other reason that you can think of to make that initial first contact. I have thought about this for a very long time I did not know many years ago that we could be so accessible to each other via internet tools and search engines. But here we are and a day that I have thought about since the day you left my arms could happen now at any time. Please consider that I too am scared, and do not know what to expect. That I too have questions, and a need to talk and to someday hopefully meet you in person. This has been a physical need as much as an emotional need and just because the circumstances are and have been what they are? Does not mean I Love you any less ---
So I Will Wait, as long as it takes.

How do I say this?

You are someone that I care about, respect , and love. I worry about you and your safety , with this ugly habit that isn't predjudice and takes many people with its ugliness every day-- I Love you, Please stop or I fear you will die. We all know someone , who has an addiction problem  and that we can't stop someone if they don't want help and aren't ready and hit their bottom. It is a grueling process to watch the people  that you love slowly kill themselves .
It rips families apart , takes Jobs, Careers, Eduacation,Daughters, Sons, Mothers, Brothers, Sisters, Uncles , Fathers Grandmothers and Grandfathers... No one is exempt it kills every day accessible or not so accessible they get it , find a way to get it and it could be their last. All we can do is show our support , Love and patience and pray.. The rest is up to them and G-d and their willingness to change the situation towards a better them . A Better life , hopefully we make an impact by showing sincere concern and a gentle push in the positive direction they need. So very difficult to see it, experience it, lose someone you love... How do I say this?

Social Media Can be A Tool

So Let me explain,
As you know my big brother really is at this very moment traveling on the PCT ok no joke. He is brave, and resourceful and strong and in amazing physical health but things can and have gone wrong for others along this journey. Hopefully not my brother but when I start to see as I am watching my brothers face book page for updates and status reports a friend is worried. It starts to make us all think and then the panic starts. Of the what if's and our hearts and emotions get there best of us Right??
Ok, Well it happened Jefe' is making wonderful strides in distance and how much he is traveling but then all of the sudden there is a great pause and his checking in with family and friends no pictures  or anything! I knew where he was headed and I know that along this journey check-ins are mandatory... But no check in with us and I called the most recent check in station he was supposed to arrive at but he had not checked in ok now I am beyond nervous because the reality of this cumbersome trail hits .
Needless to say we inform state police and park rangers and sheriffs of what is happening phone company is pinging his phone to get a location and all we can do is wait... It was the longest wait in my life! In all reality it was only about 8 hours, but that is ridiculous when you're holding your breathe with tension trying to hope for ONLY the best.
Thank G-d my brother had re-surfaced and he is exhausted and hungry enduring the toughest weather yet but he is filled with appreciation, accomplishment, pride and self gratification in knowing how far he has come and in my opinion? Just how far he CAN GO!!
So Keep Going!!
but the reason I say that social media can be a tool is this, People I did not even know came to the front line to step up and help social media is most definitely a tool that helps facilitate the out reach within a community and far to virtually hold hands if you will and be strong as a unit and help get through trying times. I don't know what we would have done if we didn't have the support of others who love my brother to get a search and rescue going and to communicate with each other.
It was beautiful!!!

Traveling the PCT

To my Big Brother who is Brave, Smart, Resourceful, Impressive and Courageous Thank You for sharing with us in your trying times of battling depression and trying to figure who you are at 50.. Thank You for being braver than you realize It takes a lot of courage to face your fears, short comings let alone doing it on one of the biggest and roughest trails our country has to offer.
Thanks for being you I Love You!!! Traveling the PCT

Meaning in A piece of Art

What do you see when you look at this tattoo? It  has meaning to me, it's a fresh start coming out of a scary truth and having the strength to do so. It's a new beginning and has hope. What do you see when you look at this tattoo?

Shooting Star

I wished upon a star the other night,
Shining bright spitting light in it's flight down from the sky I rubbed my eyes wondering if what I just saw was real?
Sure  enough if you wish for it, It can happen the strength in a wish and wanting something to happen can mean all the difference in something.... In Anything I Thanked the big man upstairs for giving me the blessing that fell from the sky and took it as it was meant to be for why else would it have happened?
The small things have most meaning to me and I am So grateful for them. For the grass under my toes, for the blue skies, for the rain to cleanse the earth and water the flowers and trees and replenish the waters. For clean water to drink, for the roof over my head and a bed to sleep in, for shoes on my feet and clothes on my back. For laughter and love in my life, for my children and their health . My parents and another day in this crazy world with all that's going on...
Thank You for letting me wish upon a Shooting Star <3

I Am Here

No Matter what , I am here... I will be here as long as I am alive and breathing, You are special to me and all that it entails. I have many fond memories of us hanging out ,Playing, talks, laughing and crying Family Trips and Vacations.

I know that you are going through something larger than life, that you don't have answers to and hopefully you find answers. Hopefully you find Peace and Happiness in your life and you make some sense of all of this.  You deserve that, You helped people of all walks of life, saving them from themselves. Breathing life into those who couldn't breath for themselves, Delivered babies, you have worked so hard. And I am so proud, you became a Dr. and have continued for all of these years to help others selflessly  it is an honor to be your sister I Love You and,... I Am Here.

Depression

Unless you're directly dealing with depression or with a loved one in depression? You can not possibly understand how difficult it is. And by that I mean to watch someone suffer and not be able to do anything to change their situation. Unless they opt to do something about it themselves? There is nothing we can do and THAT is the helpless feeling that follows. I,/We hurt and speaking from personal experience I feel so frustrated and sad that I can not help my loved one.

What to do? The only thing that I can do? Is let them know that I Love them, and I miss them  and that I am here for them ready to listen, to talk. If I don't do what I feel , and I Ignore that urge to say what I need to? I Might never be able to tomorrow is never promised. So No regrets I don't want to live with regrets ever... I am good so far, hopefully that doesn't change.

Hoping for a happier tomorrow for my family ...

All I can Do Is Listen

Losing a Parent is devastating, My significant other has lost his father. All I can do is cry out of deep sadness in compassion for him and the pain he must be feeling. I can only listen so he can try to begin to process this gut wrenching hurt. I can hold him and wipe away tears, and wipe the snot from his nose and rock him and listen but he has a long difficult road to acceptance. And after significant time can he then begin to heal and move on. Right now? It seems in obtainable, to raw and so sad .

I never got to meet him our kids never got to meet him, that hurts because even with his short comings, he seemed to be an incredible exemplary specimen of a Father. He was in the military, and a math genius..

The kids and I would have loved him I am sure of it.. Rest easy now your family misses you.

All I can do is Listen :(

A Parents Wish

When I think about where I am in life now at this point and at my age, I didn't realize how much I have accomplished until recently.. Let me explain, When you have a child or children you never really know how they will turn out you just hope that along the way you teach them the important essentials for them to turn out like responsible , caring , giving, compassionate , respectful adults.

And with the proper guidance and mutual respect for each other and education they will.
Now sure we make mistakes, no one is perfect . Kids and being a parent doesn't come with a manual..
Everything is a first.

Fist child, everything that happens is crucial they sniffle you call the doctor, you worry about every little thing! Am I right?!

Then if you have a second child(or more), you've learned from the first that it's not so scary, and to relax and that if it isn't major? A bump , a bruise, you pick them up check them out, and dust them off and tell them that they're ok and they're on their way.

But as they age , and begin to go into all of their many different phases of growth and life as separate entities and make their own mistakes and they are then old enough to be on their own you hope that they don't ever forget where they came from . The struggles you had whether minor or major the things you did together as a family , your bond . You pray that they come visit  you , spend time with you and call you  just to say hi at best..

I am now seeing that I did ok as a parent, my kids like me as a person I see visibly that they love me and that they want to spend time with me and value my opinions. They call me to ask my advice for different things.
That is what I and I think any parent can hope for.
I have four beautiful smart , compassionate, kind, sweet , loving, funny, children. I am grateful to have the honor of being a parent and the ability to have children. I am grateful to have all of the gifts that come along with being their parent and friend.
So , as long as you do your best, with honesty and patience and respect and teach them all you can it's all going to work out you'll see :)
A Parent's Wish

Safe Child

The thought for me as a parent of one of my children going missing takes my breath away. They don't give it a thought, me? I think about it often.. I was in a situation where my son was taken without my permission and kept against his will already once and it took me over a year to get him back. It was his father, he took him for a visit and then never brought him back to me brain washed him , and discharged him from school and for a whole school year.

It is raw and painful, scary and damaging. Therapy is key and open lines of communication between my son and I are crucial. I hug him often, I try my best to have patience always which can be trying! And  to listen and keep my mouth shut.

See my son didn't think that it was wrong because it was his father, and that was the confusing part to him.. Although now 3 years later he realizes it was wrong and was kidnapping. It must mess with his mind a little . He was missed , he is loved tremendously and I can't imaging losing him indefinitely... I would be broken, missing part of my soul to all who have lost a child my heart goes out to you I'm so sorry. I hope someday there can be some comfort found that you are a great parent and person and not to beat yourself up about it.

Don't be afraid to check in their rooms, listen in, ask questions and check on where they say they are because the thought of one of our children would be devastating.

Appreciaton

Appreciation comes in many different ways, it comes in ways sometimes people take for granted. It is shown in a look, through an act , or in words. It is always great when it is given in return , it feels good to know that we are not taken for granted,  that what we do without even thinking out of the goodness of our souls .
It feels great to give , to do for someone else who needs help physically , mentally, emotionally or monetarily.
It is important to give , and it is more wonderful to show and receive appreciation.

Spiritual Moment

Everyone at some point has had and will have someone close to them that they love that they will lose. It is inevitable it is life, No one likes loss it hurts.. It sucks . I am going through that right now and I had the coolest thing happen to me yesterday that I must share  with you.

I had an appointment, I did what I needed to do and then walked out of the building and sat on a bench and enjoyed the beautiful weather . As I am sitting on the bench, a Grasshopper flies in front of my face and lands to my right and I am watching it look at me and as I am watching this creature it starts to bob back and forth. It sits there for a good couple of minutes and then flew right next to me on my left and sat there for as long as I was there  which was ten minutes. Right next to my foot, just hanging out with me
.
Now I don't know if any of you have knowledge of the meaning of Grasshoppers and that they have many meanings to different cultures. They are said to be Lucky, to be a Totem" if you will and hold prosperity. I believe in  the spiritual world and all of what it has to offer. This Grasshopper meant something But I did not understand it until after I was home and spoke to my mother.

But I felt a sense of calm, I didn't question it I just felt good. I traveled home and was home not a half an hour before my mother calls me to tell me that my Aunts health is deteriorating rapidly and it is then that I realized that was it!
It could have been her leaving her body and she was paying me a visit before she moved on. She is only here right now as a shell, no communication no awareness comatose if you will to me this had great meaning.
Sometimes you don't have to have a reason to believe. You just do.. You feel it and you can't explain it,  it  just IS.

There is a reason for everything  this was my profound spiritual moment :)

Just Want You to Know

As I sat in your room with you watching you put on your makeup, It brought me back to when I was a child and reminded me of how time is precious. How I appreciated that time and enjoyed watching you put your makeup on.

It's a reminder that it's the small things in life that can be monumental and we shouldn't take these moments though fleeting for granted.

I sat on your bed watching you , and my eyes started to well up with tears... They welled up with tears because I appreciate you, I Love You and I couldn't bare to be without you. The mere thought of one day you not being here for me to just call and say hi and hear your voice was devastating to me..
Horribly scary, As I see you struggling with your own fears, and pains I really can not bare the thought of losing you. So I just want you to know that I Love You, I appreciate you and all of our time together...

If I Could

If I could? I would, I would erase all of the pain , hurt, and sorrow in your heart.. I want you to know that when you hurt? I hurt, I might not show it like I should . Or enough but I see your struggle, I see the look in your eyes , and I feel your pain. I just want you to know that I Love you, and that I am hear for you .. As always , an ear to listen to you a shoulder to cry on a pair of arms to hug you.

Not even to speak if necessary, I am here, I will always be here for you as you have been for me I Love you , if I could? I would....