How do I say this?

You are someone that I care about, respect , and love. I worry about you and your safety , with this ugly habit that isn't predjudice and takes many people with its ugliness every day-- I Love you, Please stop or I fear you will die. We all know someone , who has an addiction problem  and that we can't stop someone if they don't want help and aren't ready and hit their bottom. It is a grueling process to watch the people  that you love slowly kill themselves .
It rips families apart , takes Jobs, Careers, Eduacation,Daughters, Sons, Mothers, Brothers, Sisters, Uncles , Fathers Grandmothers and Grandfathers... No one is exempt it kills every day accessible or not so accessible they get it , find a way to get it and it could be their last. All we can do is show our support , Love and patience and pray.. The rest is up to them and G-d and their willingness to change the situation towards a better them . A Better life , hopefully we make an impact by showing sincere concern and a gentle push in the positive direction they need. So very difficult to see it, experience it, lose someone you love... How do I say this?

Social Media Can be A Tool

So Let me explain,
As you know my big brother really is at this very moment traveling on the PCT ok no joke. He is brave, and resourceful and strong and in amazing physical health but things can and have gone wrong for others along this journey. Hopefully not my brother but when I start to see as I am watching my brothers face book page for updates and status reports a friend is worried. It starts to make us all think and then the panic starts. Of the what if's and our hearts and emotions get there best of us Right??
Ok, Well it happened Jefe' is making wonderful strides in distance and how much he is traveling but then all of the sudden there is a great pause and his checking in with family and friends no pictures  or anything! I knew where he was headed and I know that along this journey check-ins are mandatory... But no check in with us and I called the most recent check in station he was supposed to arrive at but he had not checked in ok now I am beyond nervous because the reality of this cumbersome trail hits .
Needless to say we inform state police and park rangers and sheriffs of what is happening phone company is pinging his phone to get a location and all we can do is wait... It was the longest wait in my life! In all reality it was only about 8 hours, but that is ridiculous when you're holding your breathe with tension trying to hope for ONLY the best.
Thank G-d my brother had re-surfaced and he is exhausted and hungry enduring the toughest weather yet but he is filled with appreciation, accomplishment, pride and self gratification in knowing how far he has come and in my opinion? Just how far he CAN GO!!
So Keep Going!!
but the reason I say that social media can be a tool is this, People I did not even know came to the front line to step up and help social media is most definitely a tool that helps facilitate the out reach within a community and far to virtually hold hands if you will and be strong as a unit and help get through trying times. I don't know what we would have done if we didn't have the support of others who love my brother to get a search and rescue going and to communicate with each other.
It was beautiful!!!

Traveling the PCT

To my Big Brother who is Brave, Smart, Resourceful, Impressive and Courageous Thank You for sharing with us in your trying times of battling depression and trying to figure who you are at 50.. Thank You for being braver than you realize It takes a lot of courage to face your fears, short comings let alone doing it on one of the biggest and roughest trails our country has to offer.
Thanks for being you I Love You!!! Traveling the PCT

Meaning in A piece of Art

What do you see when you look at this tattoo? It  has meaning to me, it's a fresh start coming out of a scary truth and having the strength to do so. It's a new beginning and has hope. What do you see when you look at this tattoo?

Shooting Star

I wished upon a star the other night,
Shining bright spitting light in it's flight down from the sky I rubbed my eyes wondering if what I just saw was real?
Sure  enough if you wish for it, It can happen the strength in a wish and wanting something to happen can mean all the difference in something.... In Anything I Thanked the big man upstairs for giving me the blessing that fell from the sky and took it as it was meant to be for why else would it have happened?
The small things have most meaning to me and I am So grateful for them. For the grass under my toes, for the blue skies, for the rain to cleanse the earth and water the flowers and trees and replenish the waters. For clean water to drink, for the roof over my head and a bed to sleep in, for shoes on my feet and clothes on my back. For laughter and love in my life, for my children and their health . My parents and another day in this crazy world with all that's going on...
Thank You for letting me wish upon a Shooting Star <3

I Am Here

No Matter what , I am here... I will be here as long as I am alive and breathing, You are special to me and all that it entails. I have many fond memories of us hanging out ,Playing, talks, laughing and crying Family Trips and Vacations.

I know that you are going through something larger than life, that you don't have answers to and hopefully you find answers. Hopefully you find Peace and Happiness in your life and you make some sense of all of this.  You deserve that, You helped people of all walks of life, saving them from themselves. Breathing life into those who couldn't breath for themselves, Delivered babies, you have worked so hard. And I am so proud, you became a Dr. and have continued for all of these years to help others selflessly  it is an honor to be your sister I Love You and,... I Am Here.

Depression

Unless you're directly dealing with depression or with a loved one in depression? You can not possibly understand how difficult it is. And by that I mean to watch someone suffer and not be able to do anything to change their situation. Unless they opt to do something about it themselves? There is nothing we can do and THAT is the helpless feeling that follows. I,/We hurt and speaking from personal experience I feel so frustrated and sad that I can not help my loved one.

What to do? The only thing that I can do? Is let them know that I Love them, and I miss them  and that I am here for them ready to listen, to talk. If I don't do what I feel , and I Ignore that urge to say what I need to? I Might never be able to tomorrow is never promised. So No regrets I don't want to live with regrets ever... I am good so far, hopefully that doesn't change.

Hoping for a happier tomorrow for my family ...

All I can Do Is Listen

Losing a Parent is devastating, My significant other has lost his father. All I can do is cry out of deep sadness in compassion for him and the pain he must be feeling. I can only listen so he can try to begin to process this gut wrenching hurt. I can hold him and wipe away tears, and wipe the snot from his nose and rock him and listen but he has a long difficult road to acceptance. And after significant time can he then begin to heal and move on. Right now? It seems in obtainable, to raw and so sad .

I never got to meet him our kids never got to meet him, that hurts because even with his short comings, he seemed to be an incredible exemplary specimen of a Father. He was in the military, and a math genius..

The kids and I would have loved him I am sure of it.. Rest easy now your family misses you.

All I can do is Listen :(

A Parents Wish

When I think about where I am in life now at this point and at my age, I didn't realize how much I have accomplished until recently.. Let me explain, When you have a child or children you never really know how they will turn out you just hope that along the way you teach them the important essentials for them to turn out like responsible , caring , giving, compassionate , respectful adults.

And with the proper guidance and mutual respect for each other and education they will.
Now sure we make mistakes, no one is perfect . Kids and being a parent doesn't come with a manual..
Everything is a first.

Fist child, everything that happens is crucial they sniffle you call the doctor, you worry about every little thing! Am I right?!

Then if you have a second child(or more), you've learned from the first that it's not so scary, and to relax and that if it isn't major? A bump , a bruise, you pick them up check them out, and dust them off and tell them that they're ok and they're on their way.

But as they age , and begin to go into all of their many different phases of growth and life as separate entities and make their own mistakes and they are then old enough to be on their own you hope that they don't ever forget where they came from . The struggles you had whether minor or major the things you did together as a family , your bond . You pray that they come visit  you , spend time with you and call you  just to say hi at best..

I am now seeing that I did ok as a parent, my kids like me as a person I see visibly that they love me and that they want to spend time with me and value my opinions. They call me to ask my advice for different things.
That is what I and I think any parent can hope for.
I have four beautiful smart , compassionate, kind, sweet , loving, funny, children. I am grateful to have the honor of being a parent and the ability to have children. I am grateful to have all of the gifts that come along with being their parent and friend.
So , as long as you do your best, with honesty and patience and respect and teach them all you can it's all going to work out you'll see :)
A Parent's Wish

Safe Child

The thought for me as a parent of one of my children going missing takes my breath away. They don't give it a thought, me? I think about it often.. I was in a situation where my son was taken without my permission and kept against his will already once and it took me over a year to get him back. It was his father, he took him for a visit and then never brought him back to me brain washed him , and discharged him from school and for a whole school year.

It is raw and painful, scary and damaging. Therapy is key and open lines of communication between my son and I are crucial. I hug him often, I try my best to have patience always which can be trying! And  to listen and keep my mouth shut.

See my son didn't think that it was wrong because it was his father, and that was the confusing part to him.. Although now 3 years later he realizes it was wrong and was kidnapping. It must mess with his mind a little . He was missed , he is loved tremendously and I can't imaging losing him indefinitely... I would be broken, missing part of my soul to all who have lost a child my heart goes out to you I'm so sorry. I hope someday there can be some comfort found that you are a great parent and person and not to beat yourself up about it.

Don't be afraid to check in their rooms, listen in, ask questions and check on where they say they are because the thought of one of our children would be devastating.

Appreciaton

Appreciation comes in many different ways, it comes in ways sometimes people take for granted. It is shown in a look, through an act , or in words. It is always great when it is given in return , it feels good to know that we are not taken for granted,  that what we do without even thinking out of the goodness of our souls .
It feels great to give , to do for someone else who needs help physically , mentally, emotionally or monetarily.
It is important to give , and it is more wonderful to show and receive appreciation.

Spiritual Moment

Everyone at some point has had and will have someone close to them that they love that they will lose. It is inevitable it is life, No one likes loss it hurts.. It sucks . I am going through that right now and I had the coolest thing happen to me yesterday that I must share  with you.

I had an appointment, I did what I needed to do and then walked out of the building and sat on a bench and enjoyed the beautiful weather . As I am sitting on the bench, a Grasshopper flies in front of my face and lands to my right and I am watching it look at me and as I am watching this creature it starts to bob back and forth. It sits there for a good couple of minutes and then flew right next to me on my left and sat there for as long as I was there  which was ten minutes. Right next to my foot, just hanging out with me
.
Now I don't know if any of you have knowledge of the meaning of Grasshoppers and that they have many meanings to different cultures. They are said to be Lucky, to be a Totem" if you will and hold prosperity. I believe in  the spiritual world and all of what it has to offer. This Grasshopper meant something But I did not understand it until after I was home and spoke to my mother.

But I felt a sense of calm, I didn't question it I just felt good. I traveled home and was home not a half an hour before my mother calls me to tell me that my Aunts health is deteriorating rapidly and it is then that I realized that was it!
It could have been her leaving her body and she was paying me a visit before she moved on. She is only here right now as a shell, no communication no awareness comatose if you will to me this had great meaning.
Sometimes you don't have to have a reason to believe. You just do.. You feel it and you can't explain it,  it  just IS.

There is a reason for everything  this was my profound spiritual moment :)

Just Want You to Know

As I sat in your room with you watching you put on your makeup, It brought me back to when I was a child and reminded me of how time is precious. How I appreciated that time and enjoyed watching you put your makeup on.

It's a reminder that it's the small things in life that can be monumental and we shouldn't take these moments though fleeting for granted.

I sat on your bed watching you , and my eyes started to well up with tears... They welled up with tears because I appreciate you, I Love You and I couldn't bare to be without you. The mere thought of one day you not being here for me to just call and say hi and hear your voice was devastating to me..
Horribly scary, As I see you struggling with your own fears, and pains I really can not bare the thought of losing you. So I just want you to know that I Love You, I appreciate you and all of our time together...

If I Could

If I could? I would, I would erase all of the pain , hurt, and sorrow in your heart.. I want you to know that when you hurt? I hurt, I might not show it like I should . Or enough but I see your struggle, I see the look in your eyes , and I feel your pain. I just want you to know that I Love you, and that I am hear for you .. As always , an ear to listen to you a shoulder to cry on a pair of arms to hug you.

Not even to speak if necessary, I am here, I will always be here for you as you have been for me I Love you , if I could? I would....

Life Is Good

Today like everyday , I am Grateful. I am middle aged, I am over all healthy with some minor bumps and bruises I am here  alive and kickin. I have all my limbs, all my wits, healthy children and Parents and an amazing man.
What do I have to complain about? Not a Damn thing.. I am happy in love and appreciated, Rich in Love , Family  and Values. I am at peace in my life, my soul and am glad to be an American.
Going down south to see my family for a mini vacation see you on the other side <3

Good Morning,

As you sit on the edge of your bed, rub your hands over your face and clean the sleep from your eyes and run your fingers through your hair I want you to not think about today as a stressful day. No matter what comes your way Breathe, Take it easy, enjoy life your freedom the people in your life and all that you have . Because you just never know.. Tell those you love in your life how much you love them hug them love your self, and forgive your self for mistakes that you have made . Because holding onto resentment and to things that you could have done differently? Can't be changed, Let 

Go... , Be..  Do... Love yourself and others..
Smile often, Take a chance today on something you normally wouldn't. Try something you never have before like a new food.
Be yourself No matter what. Because today is good day :)

There's No Manual that gets you ready for recovery from cancer. I wish they had one, that would be amazing.. But they don't so you are left on your own to learn and deal with all of the issues that come up  as you go along. It's very humbling I have to say. It isn't something that I like to talk about in great detail, But lately I feel like it is a crucial part of MY recovery emotionally , and Physically to talk about it.
I knew because it was on paper that I would have dry mouth, and a weird taste in my mouth, But the things that are deeper like at the age of 44 I'll get thrown into early Menopause, the tiredness that doesn't go away heavy legged, hair loss, that after a complete thyroidectomy and radiation that I would lose my teeth, that My sense of smell and taste have diminished.
All things that you can not really prepare for you are just thrown into the fire so to speak and we all cope differently.

My coping has on occasion been put off, and by that I mean as a mother you are looked upon by your husband and children as the strong one who is strong and family sometimes has  problems coping with you not being strong. I fought Cancer, and it looks like so far? I'm kicking it's ASS so I feel stronger than I have I a while.

The journey isn't over I have a bit more to go, but since I am busy convincing my children and husband that I am ok "I'll be fine" Sometimes you lose track of your recovery or the feelings that come along with it.
It's ok to cry, to still be scared I found out, and  I have a huge amount of gratitude for life and my family.
I will say this and no offense to anyone that has told someone you love and respect this-- A cancer survivor does not ever want to hear " Well, as far as cancers go thyroid cancer is the best one to have!! " NO.... I'm scared to death, Do Not minimize what I feel by telling me that  . I have all kinds of things I am going through physically  now and will be for how ever long and as far as I am concerned? The best kind of CANCER to have? IS NO CANCER :)
Thanks For Listening-- Feel Free to Add your comments

Adoption

Is a gift of Love,

To the child to whom the parent or parents can not take care of him or her.. Maybe because they are to young? Or perhaps money is an issue, family dynamics, situations are different and sensitive all the same. One can not know, assume or appreciate the situation in which one needs to consider adoption as an option, until they have gotten there.


It is for some? Rescuing their child. An Unselfish act to think of the child first above their own feelings to make sure that the child has what he or she needs and has a safe  home and stability.
Scared? Or be scared to do it all alone? Be in an abusive situation no one knows ... What I do know? Is that it is a huge act of love, and can complete a family who has been aching for a child and can not have one.

And on the other hand the other side of the coin is that there are so many women who can not have children , and want so desperately the opportunity to have and raise a child. Who have so much to offer but yet have physical issues and can't. Or perhaps the husband can not?  Or maybe it is a same sex couple.. Everyone should have a chance and yet have so many problems in the process.


What ever the circumstances may be, there are so many  parents and children who need to be connected for it is destiny..
I am all for it, I was adopted.. And I placed for adoption.  I have had a beautiful life, ups and downs as any family but a great life. Parents that picked me loved me were and are good to me to the grand children. What else could I ask for?
Culture, family trips, music, sports, unconditional love humor, good healthy environment I had it all. Beautiful :)

Laughter

It is the souls natural medicine..

And I know when we are really feeling down , and crappy hurt, betrayed .. The last thing we want to do is laugh. But when we do laugh? There is just something about the way that it makes us feel. Right?  When we truly laugh, not a giggle or under our breaths, but belting out laughing.

There has actually been studies about laughing did you know that?
It has literally been proven to help relieve stress, help release healthy triggers for healing  the body it makes us smile, and feel good.

There is something I have always tried to do , since I was young.. Make someone smile , or laugh. I love the feeling I get seeing the whole demeanor of someone change after I have helped them smile or laugh :)  It is an amazing feeling.. Laughter binds people together, I have bonded with many helping them feel better..

I want to be the Laughter Dr. Lol! Is that possible? And I don't mean comedian. Too much pressure, coming up with new material, things that people connect with and think is funny ya know?

So try to laugh as often as possible, enjoy people around you. And if someone else needs a laugh? Help give that to them they might really need it. Til next time .....

What Will They Remember?

Is it your smell? Smile, Laugh? Or the way you console them when they are sick? Or sad? The way you hug? The goofy quirky things you do? How you get silly with them?
The favorite place that you go with them? A book? A song that you sing them at bed time?

A favorite song ? Concert, or Movie? Or maybe,... It's the family dinners together, you going to family night at school, getting them from school when they really needed them. A hand to hold, A Look , A nod..

A bike ride, Walk, Park, Vacation.. Whatever it is they will never forget they will eventually appreciate  and will always Love you.

It's there in their being human able to be their own person, get lost to find their way back again...

What will they remember?